CAUSES OF SEXUAL PROBLEMS IN THE HOME.(1): ALTERNATIVE ATTRACTIONS.
‘Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity…’(Eccl.9:9)
Sexual problems range from low interest or inability to satisfy partner, to complete sex denial. There is a whole range of causes of sexual problems in marriage. The first range of causes we are going to look at comes under alternative attraction.
When there is an opposite sex that fulfills a part of the roles of your spouse by imagination or by reality, then that person constitutes an alternative attraction to your spouse. Alternative attraction constitutes real danger to sexual fulfillment and hence the overall success of your marriage. This is mainly because if you have already derived the pleasure which is supposed to be provided by your spouse from an alternative source, your need for your spouse is reduced significantly.
In my book, Twelve Laws For Successful Marriage, the law of deadly alternative states that:
‘Once there is an alternative attraction, your spouse becomes less attractive’.
The first form of alternative attraction which may cause problems for the sex life of your marriage is adultery:
ADULTERY
If you are involved in an adulterous relationship, you will soon discover that your demand for sex from your spouse or the pleasure you derive from sexual intimacy with your spouse will reduce drastically. Initially, if you were demanding for sex thrice in a week, you may be able to ask for it twice and pretend that you are tired for the rest of the week but a time will gradually come that you will start seeing faults in your spouse that may not even make you to demand for it for even once in a week. A time will come when your mate in adultery may satisfy you so well that you will throw caution to the winds and even stay overnight with him or her and fabricate lies to make up for it.
At this stage, your extra-marital relationship might have also gradually opened your eyes to ‘deficiencies’ in your spouse that had always been there, but now seemed to be more pronounced because of the alternative attraction you have in the other woman or man. Those exposed deficiencies (which are often imaginary) will gradually make you lose appetite for sex with your spouse completely.
Apart from the fact that once you get involved, it reduces your desire towards your spouse, God specifically warned us against adultery severally in the scriptures. One of such scriptures is Prov.6:32-33;
‘Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding;
He who does so destroys his own soul.
Wounds and dishonor he will get,
And his reproach will not be wiped away.’
Adultery has the potential to destroy both your marriage and your relationship with God. Avoid it by all means!
EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS.
Emotional affair is a non-sexual extramarital affair. It does not appear harmful at the beginning but has been known to wreck a lot of havoc on homes. It starts casually, usually without the intention to go deep. As a pastor for instance, you have a secretary that is so efficient in the assignments given to her, a beautiful choir leader that sings so melodiously, or perhaps a married woman that is so fervent for God and leads the intercessory group in such an inspiring way. Definitely, all the areas the above people hold are vital parts of a functional ministry, so, nobody will blame you for being interested in those departments. Actually, you mean no harm, neither are you interested in starting a relationship, but you just appreciate the way the person is handling the department. Sometimes too, it may not really be in the church. It may be a neighbor that you just admire the way she greets, a divorcee or widower who appears so vulnerable and appears to need your help. However, you need to watch out, when the following start happening:
- You start sharing personal thoughts or stories about your family and ministry with him or her.
- You feel a greater emotional intimacy with him or her than your spouse.
- You feel so concerned when it appears as if his or her spouse has offended him or her.
- You start comparing him or her to your spouse by listing where your wife don’t measure up.
- You long for, and look forward to your next contact or conversation.
- You start changing your normal routine or duties to spend more time with him or her.
- You feel the need to keep conversation with him or her secret from your spouse.
- You fantasize about spending time with, getting to know or sharing life with her.
- You fantasize about how great your business or ministry would be with him or her rather than with your spouse.
- You spend significant time alone with him or her.
When you notice one or more of the above, you have unknowingly slipped into emotional affairs.
Following are some of the causes of emotional affairs:
- Lust
- Carelessness
- Perceived deficiency in your marriage
- Lack of communication with your spouse
- Unresolved conflicts at home
- Desire for adventure
Emotional affairs is not actually adultery, since you have not started having sexual intercourse with the person. The truth however is that emotional affairs often go beyond boundaries as there is a very thin line between it and full blown adulterous relationship, avoid it!
Dr. Mike Oluniyi.
