Mindset is defined as a mental attitude or inclination towards a particular idea or process. Mindset influences the way we think, feel and behave in any given situation or circumstances. The implication of this is that your mindset determines your success or failure in any particular circumstance of life, including your marriage. Your mindset as leader towards marriage goes a long way to determine your disposition towards your home generally and your spouse in particular. If your mindset about marriage from the onset is that when things are not working, you might discard your spouse, move on and get attached to another person, you will discover that your marriage is not likely to work because even when there are no faults, you are likely to manufacture some in your spouse which will make you to validate your mindset. If on the other hand, your mindset about marriage is that as a Christian, your marriage is expected to last until the death of either of you, you are likely to be like an anchor which will hold that home steady in the face of the storms that will blow against that marriage in the future. Even if your spouse is creating problems at home, the fact that you believe in marriage as a lifelong relationship, will likely make you to do everything practically possible to stabilize that marriage despite the challenges which would have destroyed most other homes. Your mindset concerning marriage as a leader therefore has vital roles to play in determining how enduring and fulfilling your marriage may be.
MINDSET GENERATORS.
There are various circumstances of life which affects one’s outlook about marriage towards a prevailing mindset. Some of them are:
Your Parents Home.
The way your biological or spiritual parents ran their homes or what you heard them said about marriage has a profound effect on the way you will run your home. Possibly, while you are growing in the faith, your mentor made you to realize that ministry is so important that you may need to throw away your spouse in order to be dedicated to ministerial work, you may get carried away and relegate your spouse in the process. While it is true that the assignment of God deserves all seriousness in your life, it is better done with your spouse by your side. That is why God said in Gen.18 that it is not good for you to be alone. Furthermore, the scriptures says in Habakkuk 2:2;
And the LORD answered me, and said,
Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables,
that he may run that readeth it.
That means you will need someone to run with your vision. Who will better run your vision with you than your life partner? As a leader, though you may see some that are doing it, you must see running vision without spouse for someone who once got married as an abnormality in ministry.
When you see someone that is running ministry without spouse, you may need the person to be frank with you about the problems inherent in doing so. Unfortunately, most leaders only preach the beautiful parts of their lives to their protégés. If they are going to be sincere with you, they will make you to realize that divorcing or separating from your spouse and running your ministry alone is not as fulfilling as being together with your spouse.
Your Depth In The Spirit.
Your mindset about marriage is most likely to be affected by your depth in spiritual matters. If as a leader, you are well rooted in the spirit, you are likely to have the mindset that the stability of your home is vital to your spiritual well being. When you have such mindset, it affects the way you will react to situations involving your spouse. Such mindset will make you to react to your spouse with wisdom, knowing fully well that the greatest instrument that the devil may use to disorganize your spiritual life and ministry is your spouse.
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. (1 Pet.3:7)
Your Own Personal Experiences
Permit me to reproduce here messages sent to me from a minister of God through whattsApp.
Good morning and glorious day my dear Dr. Mike Oluniyi.
I have an issue bothering my mind.
Concerning the issue of marriage and ministry.
The slogan of no home, no ministry.
I don’t agree with the slogan sir.
Apostle Paul did not have home, and he excelled in life and ministry.
Jeremiah did not have home, yet he succeeded in ministry.
Daniel did not have home and he fulfilled his ministry in life.
Kathryn Khulman had a broken home, yet she flourished in life and ministry.
Bennin Hinn had issue with his marriage, yet the ministry is flourishing and blossoming.
Finally, Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour told us that there is no marriage in heaven that we shall all be like Angels.
So, how come the slogan on earth that no home, no ministry?
The above message was sent by a minister of God, who has been in ministry for decades. He started a thriving ministry together with his wife, but the ministry collapsed as a result of crisis at home. The collapse of the ministry and his inability to put things together has got him to a position in which he now believes that you don’t need to keep a home as you do ministry. In his heart of hearts, he knows that the conclusion he has unfortunately reached about home in ministry is as a result of his failure in that area. If he is sincerely going to be true to himself in comparing when he was running the vision with his spouse and now, he would have evidently chosen the former.
With reference to his message above, there is a major difference between a minister who never got married and another one who failed in marriage. For instance, Apostle Paul should not have been used as an example because he did not get married in the first place. Using the issue of Kathryn Kuhlman is also unfortunate, it may probably be because he did not read her history very well. Kathryn should have been used an example of a minister of God who probably did not really hear from God before making her choice in marriage. Her marriage to Burroughs Waltrip in 1938 should not have taken place in the first place, as the scandal that attended it battered her ministry almost to a standstill. After the divorce in 1944, the ministry gradually recovered for her to get to the stage which she reached, and is remembered for today. Benny Hinn on the other hand, though separated and even divorced his wife of over 30 years in 2010, they later reunited and even remarried in 2013 and they have been in ministry together ever since. Your personal experience therefore has a way of determining your mindset about home and ministry.
The Experiences Of Others.
If you move with leaders or friends whose life and ministry have apparently been battered by their wives, your mindset may be that women are bad. For instance, in the example above, when the man tells you the story of how his wife desecrated their marriage by going into immoral relationship with a rich man, a relationship which eventually destroyed their home along with their ministry and the school which they established, you will definitely be tempted to stone the woman to death. It is however an error to judge from one sided argument when you are handling marital conflicts.
He would have failed to tell you how he frequently left his wife at home often for prolonged periods of time to the prayer mountain. And whenever available, he was almost always on dry fasting. He might have also failed to let you know that it was in search of financial assistance to their problem in the absence of her husband that she fell into temptation with the rich man from which she never recovered. If you have a friend such as the above and he keeps telling you about what he has experienced in the hands of his wife, you may develop the mindset of seeing a woman as the greatest impediment to fulfilling ministry.
If a young minister is unfortunate enough to sit under such man for counsel about his home, the man is likely to go away with the idea that he doesn’t really need his home to succeed in ministry. That is why every minister of God must be careful about who they take counsel from, or who lays hand on him in ministry.
There is therefore the need for you to be selective in the opinions that you allow to affect you, as it may affect your mindset about your marriage.
Lack of Discernment of Demonic Influence.
As a minister of God, one of the greatest threats to the devil is your home. He is aware that your spouse in unity with you in your ministry is an effective obstacle to his moves over your ministry. He will consequently do everything possible to destroy your home. This is because his three fold ministry is to steal, kill and destroy (Jn.10:10).
There are situations in which you will hold dearly to a position about your home because the devil is at work. Please note that any thought that is in opposition to a peaceful home or reconciliation when there are issues at home will need to be examined by you again because it is not likely to be from God. For instance, there are leaders that will abandon their home because the devil manipulated them to dream that their spouse is witch or their problem in ministry. It is even possible for the devil to make your spouse to actually commit adultery for you to throw him or her away so that the impact of your ministry will be watered down or completely truncated.
Consequently as Christian leaders, we must pray for discernment because the devil may transform himself into an agent of light just to deceive us to throw away our home, since a stable home is a threat to his destructive work in your ministry.
The Two Possible Mindset Types.
Above are some of the possible generators which may determine your mindset about your home in ministry. It is however important to also know that there are two types of mindsets, fixed and growth mindsets. The difference between the two is that while the fixed mindset is permanent in its views on life circumstances, the growth mindset believes in possible change in light of more relevant knowledge. If your mindset is fixed about wrong concepts concerning marriage, your home is doomed because no matter the positive things that others say, you will not adjust your views. However, if your mindset is the growth one, you will not be rigid in your believes about marriage.
Dr. Mike Oluniyi.
