TRAUMA AND PAST EXPERIENCES CAN RUIN YOUR BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP.

MARRIAGE MATTERS NEWSLETTER
Monday 31st March 2025.
Dear readers,
TRAUMA AND PAST EXPERIENCES CAN RUIN YOUR BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP.
I had the privilege of counseling a couple for whom everything except their relationship with one another was perfect; good job, two beautiful daughters and a son, beautiful house in an exclusive area in the city etc. The first time I met them, the husband just told me that what he wanted me to do was to help them to look for a way to separate amicably!
I responded by telling him that my calling is to strengthen homes, not to separate them, which God eventually helped me to achieve with them. The problem with the wife was that when she was young, she lived with a sister whose husband deserted and the wife went into depression. Because of the love she had for the sister, she believed that every man, including her her husband could do the same thing. She consequently had zero trust for any man. The husband had tried to cope with the situation over the five years in which they had been married before deciding to call it quits.
I also know of a lady who decided that she was not going to get married because she felt that no man could be trusted. These are examples of how trauma can affect homes and individuals.
Trauma and past experiences can deeply impact marriages, often in ways that may not be immediately visible. Here’s how they can affect relationships:

Emotional Baggage.
People carry emotional scars from past relationships, childhood experiences, or traumatic events. These can lead to mistrust, insecurity, or fear of abandonment, which may make it hard for a person to be vulnerable in a marriage.

Communication Barriers.
Trauma often causes people to withdraw or shut down emotionally, leading to poor communication. When a partner is unable or unwilling to express their feelings or needs, misunderstandings and frustrations can grow, straining the relationship.

Negative Coping Mechanisms.
Those who have experienced trauma might resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse, emotional withdrawal, or even infidelity. These behaviors can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy in a marriage.

The Triggers.
Certain actions, words, or situations can trigger memories of past trauma, causing a person to react defensively or irrationally. This can create cycles of conflict where one partner feels hurt or confused, and the other feels misunderstood.

Lack of Support.
If a partner is not emotionally available due to their trauma, it can leave the other feeling isolated and unsupported. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, but trauma can create an imbalance where one person feels like they are carrying the weight alone.

Fear of Repetition.
Past trauma, especially from previous relationships or childhood, may instill a deep fear of history repeating itself. This fear can lead to overprotectiveness, controlling behaviors, or constant anxiety, which can suffocate the connection and love in the marriage.

Self-Sabotage.
Individuals who have suffered deep emotional wounds may feel unworthy of love and happiness, leading them to sabotage the relationship without consciously meaning to. They may push their partner away or create unnecessary tension to “test” the relationship.

In these ways, past trauma can make it challenging to nurture a beautiful, healthy marriage. However, it’s possible to work through these issues with mutual understanding, open communication, therapy, and a commitment to healing together. The process starts with opening up to your spouse about your past and acknowledging that the past has been interfering with your joy in the relationship.

Yours in Strengthening Homes.

Dr. Mike Oluniyi.